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I DO, I DO, I DO

Published By Samuel French

ANNTom? Now what is it? I gather you’ve something to tell me?
TOMYes.
ANNPlease – don’t tell me that Holly’s pregnant. I couldn’t take any more shocks today.
TOMNo, no, nothing like that.
ANNThank heavens for that!
TOMIt’s probably worse than that actually.
ANN(AFTER A MOMENT) I think I’d better sit down.
TOMYes.
 (SHE SITS, STARING AT HIM. HE HESITATES)
TOMYou see, Ann.... the thing is…. this is going to be hard to believe.... but Diana and I have fallen in love.
 (PAUSE)
ANN(EVENTUALLY) Diana and you?
TOMYes.
ANNDon’t be silly. You’ve only just met.
TOMYes.
ANNDon’t be silly. She’s in love with Geoff.
TOMShe loves Geoff. She’s not in love with him.
ANNDon’t be silly. There’s no such thing as love at first sight.
TOMThat’s what we thought.
 (Pause)
ANNYou’re telling me.... that in the midst of this afternoon’s revelations, and reversals, and revolutions.... you and Diana took one look at each other, and forgetting all previous affiliations, decided that you wanted only each other, amongst the whole of humanity, for the rest of time, until death do you part?
TOMYes.
ANNYou’re mad, both of you.
TOMThat’s what Diana thought you’d think.
ANNI do. Why isn’t she telling me this herself?
TOMShe didn’t dare. She thought you’d think she was mad.
ANNI do.
TOMThat’s what she thought.
ANNOh, my poor Holly. Oh, poor Geoff.
TOMYes.
ANNWhat are you going to do about them?
TOMWell.... they’ll have to know.
ANNHow are you going to tell them?
TOMThat’s the thing. We were rather hoping you’d tell them.
ANNMe?
TOMYes.
ANNWhy me?
TOMYou’d do it better than we would.
ANNBut I think you’re both mad.
TOMPerhaps we are – that’s why you’d be better at telling them.
 (PAUSE. ANN WIPES HER BROW)
ANNPerhaps it’s me that’s mad. I go to extraordinary lengths to help organise a hugely elaborate wedding for one of my offspring and his fiancee, only to discover that it’s actually going to be for his fiancee and someone who isn’t even part of my family, only to be told it’s really for his fiancee and someone who isn’t part of my family and who’s a complete stranger to all of us. Are you intending to take over the wedding by the way…. or whatever it’s called now?
TOMWe haven’t thought that far.
ANNWell, you may as well. It’s taken you only a matter of minutes to decide you’re in love with each other – you’ve a whole month to prepare for the wedding. And if you wake up tomorrow morning and decide you don’t love each other after all, it gives Diana plenty of time to find somebody else.
TOMI can understand your scepticism. I know it seems unreal. In a way it is – our world has been turned upside down.
ANNI think the whole universe has been turned upside down! The laws of nature are in total turmoil.
TOMYes.
ANNAnd I think it’s very cowardly of you not to tell them all yourselves.
TOMYes.
ANNBut I can see why you wouldn’t want to tell them yourselves.
TOMYes.
ANNIs yes the only thing you have to say?
TOMYes.
ANNBut even so, surely the right and proper thing to do is to go in there and face them all, and try to explain what’s happened.... not that you could explain it.... not that anyone could explain it.... because it’s inexplicable. But if they can all make some kind of sense of it then you will obviously have made a better job of it than you’ve made here with me,
TOMI couldn’t.... they wouldn’t.... it isn’t....
ANNIt isn’t what?
TOMIt isn’t remotely possible.... for me in my present state.... to be able to even consider.... how I would conceivably go about that.
ANNNo, that’s evident. So you want me to do it?
TOMYes.
ANNExplain the inexplicable?
TOMYes. Please.
ANNHm. (THINKS) Do you think I should tell them all at once, or one at a time?
TOMI don’t know.
ANNI think it would have to be one at a time. If I told them all at once there might be mass hysteria and riot in the streets.
TOMProbably.
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