Dialogue Extract (Perfect Wedding)

by Robin Hawdon

(Note for directors:-  Please make the actors play this for REAL.  If they shout and pull faces and try to be funny, they will lose the essence of the play, as well as many of the laughs)

JULIE Right – that’s it! That’s the final straw! I’ve had my bellyful of you lot! This entire hotel’s collapsing around my ears because of you maniacs, and I’m getting the blame for it! I’ve never met such a bunch in my life! Comparing you to rabbits is an insult to rabbits!
Last night nobody knew which beds they slept in – nobody knew which people they slept with – nobody knew which day it was! This morning they’ve realised what day it is, and they’ve turned from rabbits into headless chickens! They’re squawking in the foyer, they’re flapping in the restaurant, they’re fighting in the bedrooms!
RACHEL Now just a minute…
JULIE There are people chasing people round the corridors, there are people trying to kill people with carving knives, there are people strangling people on the furniture!
DAPHNE Just a minute…
JULIE Meanwhile our receptionist has resigned because she’s told the rooms are all mixed up, our head waiter’s resigned because he’s told his tables are all mixed up, our night porter’s resigned because he’s told his call-girls are all mixed up! On top of which, I’ve been given the sack because I’m mixed up with your bloody mix-up!
JULIE (GOING TO THE DOOR) Well my final duty is to tell you from the manager that as far as he’s concerned you can all go and get married somewhere else – you’re not doing it in this hotel!