Dialogue Extract Volcanic Eruptions by Robin Hawdon
| PIERRE | Welcome to La Bonne Auberge, monsieur. |
| BORIS | I have a surprise for you. |
| PIERRE | A surprise? |
| BORIS | A big surprise! I bring someone to see you. |
| PIERRE | Me? |
| BORIS | An old friend. |
| PIERRE | Old friend?. |
| BORIS | Who in the world would you be most surprised to see in your hotel? |
| PIERRE | I don’t know, monsieur. |
| BORIS | Guess. |
| PIERRE | Er… the King? The Pope? Napoleon? |
| BORIS | Wrong. It’s Madame Rachel Dudley! |
| (PAUSE. PIERRE TURNS WHITE AND GRABS THE DESK FOR SUPPORT) | |
| PIERRE | (IN A HOARSE WHISPER) Rachel Dudley? Here? |
| BORIS | Here. She is outside. I am going to marry her as soon as she is divorced from that dog turd, John Dudley. |
| PIERRE | Marry her? |
| BORIS | Yes, marry! She is leaving that piece of poop and coming to me. I am taking her for a quiet weekend together. She says this is her favourite hotel, so here we are. She wish it to be a surprise. (LOOKS AT PIERRE’S GLAZED FACE) Well? Is it? |
| PIERRE | (NODDING DUMBLY) It’s a surprise, monsieur. |
| BORIS | A bombshell, eh?. |
| PIERRE | (NODDING) You have no idea. |
| BORIS | She is in the car. I get her. |
| (STARTS TOWARDS THE DOOR) | |
| PIERRE |
(GALVANISED INTO ACTION) No, monsieur! (BORIS STOPS) It’s impossible! You can’t stay here! It’s out of the question! It’s…. we’ve…. you’ve…. We’re full up. |
| BORIS | Full up? I made a reservation. |
| PIERRE | We didn’t receive it. |
| BORIS | Yes, you did. Your boy had it there. |
| PIERRE | We did a bubble dook…. a dooking bubble…. we booked double. |
| BORIS | (PICKING UP THE REGISTRATION BOOK) There’s my name. Brakowski. Jasmine room. |
| PIERRE | The room is flooded, monsieur. Immersed, engorged! A slum! |
| BORIS | Well, you must have others. |
| PIERRE | No, monsieur, no others. |
| BORIS | But it’s out of season. (LOOKING AT THE BOOK) They’re all empty. Only two other people here. Mr…. |
| PIERRE | (WHIPPING THE BOOK OUT OF HIS HANDS) We’re decorating. All the rooms are incapacitated. |
| BORIS | But this is disgraceful! I make the reservation days ago. Rachel tells me so much about this place. What charm! What hospitality! She say you are old friends. |
| PIERRE | (DISTRAUGHT) Yes, we are, monsieur, but, er…. well you see, er…. |
| BORIS | Well you don’t seem very friendly to me. If you can’t find a room for a great actress like Rachel Dudley when the hotel is nearly empty, why you stay open at all? |
| PIERRE | We aren’t open. We’re closed. |
| BORIS | But those other peoples…. |
| PIERRE | They’re leaving tomorrow. |
| BORIS | Well, we’ll leave tomorrow if…. |
| PIERRE | Tonight! They’re leaving tonight. |
| BORIS | But you said…. |
| PIERRE | I’m extremely apoplectic, monsieur. (CALLS) Louis! It’s quite impossible. (SHOUTS) Louis! My deepest commensurations to Madame Dudley…. (BELLOWS) LOUIS! |
| LOUIS | (dashing out) Yes, papa? |
| PIERRE | The furniture in the Jasmine room. Eject it! |
| LOUIS | What, papa? |
| PIERRE | The furniture! It has to come out for the decorations. |
| LOUIS | Decorations, papa? |
| PIERRE | Yes, idiot. After the floodings. We must continue the decorations! |
| LOUIS | But, papa…. |
| PIERRE | (BESIDE HIMSELF) Evict the furniture! Out, out! (SEES GASTON COMING OUT OF MIMOSA) Gaston! Help Louis! |
| GASTON | Eh? |
| PIERRE | Aidez Louis avec les meubles. Vite, vite! |
| BORIS | I protest! I don’t understand. |
| PIERRE | My profuse apologies, monsieur. I suggest you sample the hotel down the road. It’s almost as good as this, and…. |
| BORIS | (ANGRY) I don’t wish to sample the hotel down the road! Rachel Dudley has her heart set on this hotel. She spent the most happy days of her life here. |
| PIERRE | She forgets, monsieur – they were not so good. (TO LOUIS AND GASTON WHO ARE HESITATING BEWILDERED) The furniture! Out, out! (THEY HEAD FOR THE JASMINE ROOM) |
| BORIS | She talks about the wonderful views…. |
| PIERRE | You won’t see them, monsieur, we get inscrutable fog at this time of year. |
| BORIS | The peace and tranquillity…. |
| PIERRE | They begin army manoeuvres in the park tomorrow – explosions, guns, bombs! |
| BORIS | The superb food…. |
| PIERRE | It’s declining. Two guests died of poison last month, and…. |
| BORIS | (BANGING THE DESK) Enough! It’s not acceptable! I am Boris Brakowski! I stay in the best hotels in the world! I get what I want! (STORMS TO THE DOORS) I’m going to tell Rachel. Wait till you hear what she says about this! |
| PIERRE | (FOLLOWING HIM TO THE DOORS) Oh please, monsieur, don’t bring her in here. We’re in quarantine! Please, monsieur….! |
| (He has to leap back from the doors as BORIS hurls them open, and exits. PIERRE turns back to the foyer and addresses the audience) | |
| PIERRE | Ah mon dieu! What can I do? England’s most famous film star here – with a piece of fluff. The world’s most explosive actress here – with a Russian typhoon. And furthermore – the critic from the Times newspaper arriving any moment. It will be a cataclysm! In walks the Times man to see the most famous actors in England ejaculating my wife’s dinners at each other! |
| (PACES BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF) | |
| PIERRE | What can I do? What can I do? They must not see each other They must not meet under any circumcisions! |