JULIA I despise that man!
MRS F (deadpan) Yes, dear.
JULIA I absolutely and utterly despise him!
JAMES Isn’t it time you stopped saying that?
JULIA What?
JAMES Nobody believes it. You certainly don’t believe it.
JULIA I certainly do.
JAMES Well we don’t believe it. Do we, Mrs Finney?
MRS F No.
JULIA Don’t you?
MRS F Lord no.
JULIA How do I feel about him then?
MRS F I don’t know, dear, but you get so worked up about how he spends his nights there’s only one way to find out.
JULIA What’s that?
MRS F Spend one with him and see if it’s worth the worry.
(JULIA is speechless)
JULIA (finally to JAMES) Did you hear that?
JAMES Yes. I think we talk the same language after all.
JULIA (to MRS. FINNEY) If you’re suggesting I’m in love with Draycott….
MRS F Ah, now I didn’t say anything about love, dear. People spend half their time these days talking about love, when what they’re really worried about is sex. Sex is like food. If you haven’t had any for a long time, you can think of nothing else. If you have it regular, as is natural, you get it over, clear the table, and get on with more important things. As an expert, wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Harris?
JAMES Don’t ask me – I’m on a diet.
MRS F Now your boss is quite a palatable dish. You fancy him, that’s obvious, or you wouldn’t be so worried about who else is having a nibble. But if I were you I’d get a move on while there”s still something left on the plate. (She exits to the kitchen)
JAMES (calling after her) Thank you, Delia Smith!
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