Dialogue Extract Stage Fright by Robin Hawdon
(THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. GRACE OPENS IT. MONSIEUR BONIFACE ENTERS BREATHLESSLY – LARGE, POMPOUS, EFFUSIVE)
| BONIF | Madame! I come instantly! |
| GRACE | Monsieur Boniface. |
| BONIF | I apologise that such a distinguished client has problems in my hotel! What is the matter? |
| GRACE | The matter is theft, attempted murder, assault, trespass, false impersonation, conspiracy to defraud, adultery, slander, and a few other things beside. |
| BONIF | Ah mon dieu! All zese things? |
| GRACE | Well most of them. |
| BONIF | Who are all zese peoples? |
| GRACE | Suspects, all of them. |
| BONIF | All? Please explain. |
| GRACE | To start at the beginning. A couple of hours ago I ordered lunch here in my room. Someone somehow poisoned my Caesar Salad, and I passed out. |
| BONIF | Poisoned? |
| GRACE | With peanuts. |
| BONIF | Peanuts? |
| GRACE | That’s what was used. I know the symptoms. Fortunately I wasn’t badly affected, and when I woke up all these people were around me, any one of whom could have done it. |
| HAILEY | I wasn’t! |
| GRACE | I’ve only your word for that, darling. |
| BONIF | Who is she? |
| GRACE | My husband’s bimbo. |
| HAILEY | Don’t call me that!! |
| GRACE | Sorry. My manager’s bimbo. |
| HAILEY | Oh!!! |
| BONIF | Who is your manager? |
| GRACE | (POINTING AT OSCAR) Him. When he’s not being my agent. |
| BONIF | Eh? |
| GRACE | And my occasional husband. |
| BONIF | He is your husband? |
| GRACE | Most of the time. |
| BONIF | Eh? |
| GRACE | (POINTING AT JIMMY) The rest of the time it’s him. |
| BONIF | Eh? |
| GRACE | When he’s not being my lover. |
| BONIF | Eh? |
| GRACE | Supposedly. |
| BONIF | (POINTING AT ADAM) And who is he? |
| OSCAR | Her other lover. |
| BONIF | Eh? |
| GRACE | My leading man. |
| BONIF | Also your lover? |
| GRACE | According to my husband, who thinks everyone is my lover. |
| BONIF | Eh? |
| GRACE | When they’re not being my husband. |
| BONIF | Eh, eh, eh?? |
| GRACE | So you see it’s quite complicated. |
| BONIF | Too complicated for me. |
| GRACE | Let me simplify, Mr Boniface. He (INDICATING JIMMY) found me unconscious and assumed I was dead, and he (ADAM) found him and me and assumed he was my husband who had murdered me, and he (OSCAR) found him and him and me and assumed he was my lover who had come to rescue me from him, and she (HAILEY) found everybody and assumed nothing at all because she’s a brainless bimbo! |
| HAILEY | Ohhhh!! |
| BONIF | I think I need to sit down. |