Dialogue Extract Shady Business by Robin Hawdon
Note for directors: Please make the actors play this for REAL. If they shout and pull faces and try to be funny, they will lose the essence of the play, as well as many of the laughs.
| MANDY | Right – who the hell is this? |
| TANIA | It’s your feller. |
| MANDY | It certainly is not my feller! |
| TANIA | (TO TERRY) Aren’t you her feller? |
| TERRY | (SHAKING HIS HEAD) I’m not her feller. |
| MANDY | (INDICATING THE BATHROOM) I told you to get rid of that one in there, not go out and get another one! |
| TANIA | He is that one in there. |
| MANDY | How can he be that one in there? |
| TANIA | I saw him come out of there. (TO TERRY) Didn’t I see you come out of there? |
| TERRY | No, you saw me going in there. |
| TANIA | What for? |
| TERRY | To see who else was in there. |
| TANIA | I’m going out of my mind! Who else was in there? |
| TERRY | Don’t ask me. (INDICATES THE FRONT DOOR) I came in there, and someone else was going in there. |
| TANIA | (TO MANDY) Who else could be in there? |
| MANDY | The one I told you was in there! |
| TANIA | Well where is he now? |
| MANDY | Still in there, I presume. |
| TANIA | (GOING TO THE BATHROOM) He can’t be! (TRIES THE DOOR) He is. |
| MANDY | (PUSHING HER ASIDE AND WHISPERING THROUGH THE DOOR) Gerry! |
| TANIA | I thought she said Gerry. |
| MANDY | Will you come out of there, for Christ’s sake! (TURNS) He must have climbed out the window. |
| TANIA | Four stories up? |
| MANDY | This is ridiculous. (INDICATING TERRY) Who’s this then? |
| TERRY | I’m Terry. |
| MANDY | Terry? |
| TANIA | I thought he was your guy. So I told Big Mack he was mine – like you said. |
| MANDY | Terrific! Where’d he come from? |
| TANIA | I don’t know. |
| TERRY | I’m new. My boss runs the restaurant for Big Mack. He told me to deliver the week’s… you know, dosh. |
| MANDY | That should have come last night. |
| TERRY | I had a bit of bother. |
| MANDY | Bother? |
| TERRY | I couldn’t come over then. So I came this morning. To try and explain. |
| MANDY | Explain what? |
| (HE TAKES AN ENVELOPE FROM HIS POCKET, AND GLANCES AT DOZER) | |
| TERRY | (WHISPERING) This is it. But it’s not all there. |
| MANDY | Not all there! |
| TERRY | Shhh! I lost some. |
| MANDY | Lost? |
| TERRY | Yeh. |
| MANDY | Where? |
| TERRY | At your club. |
| MANDY | How? |
| TERRY | Playing roulette. |
| MANDY | What?? |
| TERRY | There’s an illegal gaming room round the back. |
| MANDY | I know that. What were you doing there? |
| TERRY | I went there…. for a flutter. |
| MANDY | How much did you lose? |
| TERRY | A grand. |
| MANDY | A thousand quid! |
| TANIA | From Luigi’s takings? |
| TERRY | Yeh. |
| MANDY | Bloody hell, Terry! You went gambling at Big Mack’s club with Big Mack’s own money? |
| TERRY | Yeh. |
| MANDY | He’s cut off ears for less than that! |
| TERRY | I know, but you see I had a bit of a crisis. |
| TANIA | You’ve got a bigger one now. |
| TERRY | The thing was, I owed some money, and it had to be paid back. |
| MANDY | How much? |
| TERRY | A thousand quid. |
| TANIA | Another thousand? |
| TERRY | Yeh. |
| MANDY | Who to? |
| TERRY | Er…. Big Mack actually. |
| MANDY | (PAUSE) Can you start again? |
| TERRY | It was like this. A few weeks ago I wanted some cash to make up the price on this car a mate of mine was selling. Great little sports car. So I borrowed a grand from a loan shark – stupid, I know – who turned out to be one of Big Mack’s people. |
| TANIA | Name? |
| TERRY | Harry the Spanner, they called him. |
| MANDY | Oh God! |
| TERRY | Then I lost my job, and I couldn’t keep up the payments. I spent everything I had on the interest alone, and this Harry character was coming on heavy for his thousand quid back – or Big Mack’s as it turns out. |
| TANIA | That’s why he’s called the Spanner. Twists your nuts. |
| TERRY | Yeh. Well then by chance I got the job at Luigi’s, and found out that was one of Big Mack’s businesses too, and suddenly I had an idea. |
| MANDY | Oh dear. |
| TERRY | I thought, if I used some of his cash to gamble at his own club, then I might win enough to pay him back his thousand, and if I didn’t, well it wouldn’t matter too much because he’d only be winning back his own money…. if you see what I mean. |
| MANDY | (LONG PAUSE) What? |
| TERRY | Well, it seemed to make sense at the time. |
| TANIA | (SLOWLY) Let me get this straight. You gambled at Big Mack’s club, with Big Mack’s money, to try and win from Big Mack money you owed Big Mack, thinking that if you lost it to Big Mack it was Big Mack’s anyway, so Big Mack wouldn’t mind? |
| TERRY | (PAUSE) Yeh. |
| (TANIA LOOKS SLOWLY ROUND AT DOZER.) | |
| TANIA | What do you think about that, Dozer? |
| DOZER | (FROWNING) Sounds all right to me. |
| TANIA | I somehow don’t think it’ll sound all right to Big Mack. |
| MANDY | It’ll sound bloody unbelievable to Big Mack! Big Mack will have Harry the Spanner tighten your nuts so tight you’ll never find them again…. |