Dialogue Extract (Don’t Rock The Boat)
by Robin Hawdon
| JOHN | This whole charade. This… this… debacle of a week-end. (Rises) It’s time we left. |
| ARTHUR | Debacle? Well, I’m sorry you feel that way about our hospitality. I know we’ve had the odd set-back, but Mary’s put a lot of work into this week-end…. |
| JOHN | I’ve nothing against Mary. Thank you for all your efforts, Mary. But I think, in all honesty, we should stop beating about the bush, and call it a day now. |
| ARTHUR | You feel that? |
| JOHN | Yes, I do. In fact… |
| ARTHUR | Carol? Do you feel that? |
| CAROL | Well…. |
| ARTHUR | In all honesty? To be quite honest? I mean… honestly? |
| CAROL | No. I’ve quite enjoyed myself actually. |
| ARTHUR | Oh, well that’s a relief. |
| CAROL | I’ve enjoyed myself rather a lot in fact. |
| ARTHUR | Wendy? Have you in all honesty enjoyed yourself? |
| WENDY | Yes. Honestly. |
| (SHIRLEY sniggers) | |
| ARTHUR | Well, two out of three. Not too bad, eh John? |
| JOHN | (to CAROL) I don”t know how you can do it. |
| CAROL | What? |
| JOHN | Pander to this man. Play his outrageous games. |
| ARTHUR | Games? I’m not playing games. This is life, John. The real thing. |
| JOHN | It may be life to you, but it’s not our sort of life, I can assure you. |
| ARTHUR | Oh. And what is your sort of life? No, really, I’m interested. |
| JOHN | You wouldn’t understand if I told you. |
| ARTHUR | Well I might. But so far I haven’t had the chance. I mean, to be quite honest myself, John, I’m at a loss to know what it is you want from life. I’ve learnt a lot this week-end about what you don’t want – about all the things you disapprove of – but not very much about what you’re for. |
| JOHN | I’m for a great deal, Arthur. Moral standards, a code of behaviour, Christian beliefs. But I’m certainly not going to try and explain my philosophy to you now! Come along, Carol. We’re going to get packed. |
| (He marches out of the saloon. CAROL pulls a wry face to the others and follows JOHN to their cabin.) | |
| ARTHUR | Oh dear. Well I’m sorry the trip has been a bit of a trial for you, Wendy. |
| WENDY | Oh, but it’s been the best week-end I’ve had for years, Mr Bullhead. I think I’ll always remember it. |
| ARTHUR | Yes – well I hope it doesn’t leave you with too much to remember it by. |
| MARY | (sharply) Arthur! |
| ARTHUR | Sorry. (Next door, JOHN has opened the suitcases and is throwing things into them. CAROL helps, more calmly.) |
| JOHN | (suddenly bursting out) I can’t understand it! I just can’t understand it, Carol. |
| (In the saloon, ARTHUR and MARY hear the sound of his outburst, and look at each other. ARTHUR sneaks to the wall to listen.) | |
| JOHN | How could you do it? You were positively condoning that dreadful family’s attitudes. You’ve been practically a conspirator in all their appalling machinations. |
| CAROL | Machinations? |
| JOHN | Well, what else would you call them? This whole week-end has been one long subterfuge designed to undermine our entire way of life. They’re the most amoral bunch of people I’ve ever come across. |
| CAROL | Oh, I wouldn’t say that. |
| JOHN | Oh, you wouldn’t, eh? |
| CAROL | No. |
| JOHN | And what would you call them? Eh? |
| CAROL | Just a fairly ordinary family trying to muddle through like the rest of us. |
| JOHN | (appalled) Like the rest….! |
| MARY | (next door) I don’t think we should listen to this, Arthur. |
| ARTHUR | (gesturing at her) Shhhh. I can’t hear. |
| JOHN | Carol, they have threatened my livelihood; they’ve attempted to blackmail me into what amounts to criminal procedures; they’ve destroyed the years of ethical teaching we’ve instilled into Wendy, and compromised her chances of making a good marriage… |
| CAROL | Oh don’t be ridiculous! |
| JOHN | Ridiculous? What do you mean, ridiculous? She’s… |
| CAROL | Are you trying to tell me that, in this modern day and age, no-one who isn’t a virgin has a chance of making a good marriage? You’ve just disqualified ninety five per cent of the unmarried population. |
| JOHN | Look, this conversation’s getting off the point. I’m talking about us! The decent, caring example our family has always stood for…. |
| CAROL | The stuffy, pompous, holier-than-thou example, you mean. It’s no wonder we haven’t any real friends. It’s no wonder nobody asks us to anything except church coffee mornings and ban the by-pass meetings! |
| JOHN | Oh, I suppose you’d rather they invited us to local wife-swapping parties….? |
| CAROL | Yes! Yes, I would! |
| JOHN | Carol! |
| Carol | Anything to bring a bit of reality, and spontaneity, and… and… fun into our existence! |
| JOHN | Fun! Carol, what are you saying? After all these years of happy married life…. |
| Carol | Who says it was a happy married life? Eh? When have you ever asked me if I’ve been happy in our married life? When have you ever given me anything I’ve wanted? |
| JOHN | Wanted? |
| Carol | Yes – wanted, desired, hungered for? (Strides up and down) I haven’t realised it myself up to now, I’ve been so indoctrinated by your prissy moral posturing – but this week-end has really opened my eyes. I’ve seen life as Wendy must see it – as I used to see it when I was her age – with all the chances, and the excitement, and the romance ahead of her… |
| JOHN | But we’re not Wendy”s age any more, Carol. We’re mature, responsible adults, with… |
| Carol | Does that mean we’ve got to stop living? We’ve got to forget passion, and joy, and adventure…? |
| JOHN | Passion for what? Adventure where? |
| Carol | Adventure here and now – like having a boat, and sneaking off for naughty week-ends on it… |
| JOHN | Naughty week….! |
| Carol | Passion for good food and wine and all the other nice things that are supposed to be bad for you. Joy in…. in sex! |
| JOHN | Sex? |
| Carol | Yes. |
| JOHN | We enjoy sex. |
| Carol | No, we don’t. We go through the dutiful motions of it, like cleaning our teeth, and washing the car on Sundays. I’m talking about real, glorious, gutsy, bonking! |
| JOHN | (almost fainting) Carol! |
| Carol | D’you know, John, I’m really seeing you… no, not you – us, for the first time. |
| JOHN | What do you mean? |
| Carol | All these years I’ve gone along with the charade. I’ve thought, how lucky we are. What an example of all that family life should be. What a wonderful husband – standing for everything that is strong, and sensible, and right. And what a perfect wife I must be, to be able to live up to him. Yugh! |
| JOHN | What would you have preferred? |
| Carol | What would I have preferred? I’ll tell you. Deep down, all I really wanted was to be part of one of those corny T.V. commercials, where the almost naked girl strides dripping out of a tropical sea, to the strains of Mahler, to where a bronzed gorilla waits on the beach for her with a Bacardi in each hand, and a bathing costume about to split at the seams with lust! |
| (Long pause) | |
| JOHN | (eventually) I can’t think of anything to say. |
| Carol | Good. You talk too much anyway. |