Dialogue Extract
Published By Samuel French
(Note for directors:- Please make the actors play this for REAL. If they shout and pull faces and try to be funny, they will lose the essence of the play, as well as many of the laughs)
| BERNARD | (rounding on SUZETTE) .... Right. Who are you? |
| SUZETTE | Me? |
| BERNARD | Yes, you! |
| ROBERT | It’s her! |
| BERNARD | Who? |
| ROBERT | You know who. |
| BERNARD | I haven’t the faintest idea who. |
| ROBERT | You don’t know who? |
| BERNARD | Why do you think I was going bananas there? Trying to keep warm? |
| ROBERT | I didn’t know what.... You mean that isn’t her? |
| SUZETTE | Who? |
| BERNARD | Of course it isn’t her. |
| SUZETTE | Who? |
| ROBERT | Then if that isn’t her.... |
| SUZETTE | Who? |
| ROBERT | ....who is she? |
| BERNARD | That’s what I want to know! Who are you? |
| SUZETTE | I’m his girl friend. |
| BERNARD | (to ROBERT) Is this true? |
| ROBERT | No, no. |
| SUZETTE | Yes! |
| ROBERT | No! That’s what I told her to say because I thought she was you-know-who. |
| SUZETTE | Who? |
| ROBERT | But if she isn’t, who is? |
| SUZETTE | Who?? |
| BERNARD | Oh be quiet, you! |
| SUZETTE | Oo, how rude! |
| BERNARD | (patiently) Now, slowly and simply, who are you and what are you doing here? |
| SUZETTE | (to ROBERT) Can I tell him? |
| ROBERT | Yes, yes – tell him. |
| SUZETTE | For real? |
| ROBERT | Please. |
| SUZETTE | I’m Suzette – from the agency. |
| BERNARD | The agency? |
| SUZETTE | The cook. From the agency. You should know. You booked me. |
| BERNARD | (collapsing) Oh my God! |
| ROBERT | You cooked a book... booked a cook? |
| BERNARD | Yes. For dinner tonight. |
| ROBERT | And that’s her? |
| SUZETTE | That’s me. |
| ROBERT | (collapsing beside BERNARD) Oh my God! |
