(Note for directors:- Please make the actors play this for REAL. If they shout and pull faces and try to be funny, they will lose the essence of the play, as well as many of the laughs)
BERNARD
(rounding on SUZETTE) .... Right. Who are you?
SUZETTE
Me?
BERNARD
Yes, you!
ROBERT
It’s her!
BERNARD
Who?
ROBERT
You know who.
BERNARD
I haven’t the faintest idea who.
ROBERT
You don’t know who?
BERNARD
Why do you think I was going bananas there? Trying to keep warm?
ROBERT
I didn’t know what.... You mean that isn’t her?
SUZETTE
Who?
BERNARD
Of course it isn’t her.
SUZETTE
Who?
ROBERT
Then if that isn’t her....
SUZETTE
Who?
ROBERT
....who is she?
BERNARD
That’s what I want to know! Who are you?
SUZETTE
I’m his girl friend.
BERNARD
(to ROBERT) Is this true?
ROBERT
No, no.
SUZETTE
Yes!
ROBERT
No! That’s what I told her to say because I thought she was you-know-who.
SUZETTE
Who?
ROBERT
But if she isn’t, who is?
SUZETTE
Who??
BERNARD
Oh be quiet, you!
SUZETTE
Oo, how rude!
BERNARD
(patiently) Now, slowly and simply, who are you and what are you doing here?
SUZETTE
(to ROBERT) Can I tell him?
ROBERT
Yes, yes – tell him.
SUZETTE
For real?
ROBERT
Please.
SUZETTE
I’m Suzette – from the agency.
BERNARD
The agency?
SUZETTE
The cook. From the agency. You should know. You booked me.