Dialogue Extract (Die Laughing)
by Robin Hawdon
| (THE PHONE RINGS. ALEX ANSWERS, AS AN AGITATED ALISTAIR PACES THE ROOM) | |
| ALEX | Hello? Yes? Oh. Er… right. (TO ALISTAIR) It’s the Head of Defence Procurement. |
| ALISTAIR | (AGHAST) Archibald Jenkins? |
| ALEX | Says he’ll only speak to the Commander of the People’s Defence Force. |
| ALISTAIR | (DITHERING) What does that wanker want? It’s a trick. What’s he up to? |
| SOPHIE | Well, the sooner you answer, the sooner you’ll find out. |
| (ALISTAIR TAKES THE PHONE APPREHENSIVELY) | |
| ALISTAIR | Yes? Yes, it’s me – what d’you want? Yes, we are. Yes, we have. No, we haven’t. Yes, we need arms for a million men. You what? (PAUSE. HIS FACE REDDENS) Oh, you think that’s funny, do you? You think that’s hysterical, do you? You bull’s pizzle! You tart’s twat! You wait – we’ll have the last laugh on you. You’ll be giggling on the other side of your ugly face when I’ve finished with you, you… you… |
| (STOPS, LOOKS AT THE PHONE, AND PUTS IT DOWN) | |
| Cut me off. | |
| WALTER | What did he say? |
| ALISTAIR | (FUMING) He said he could help us out. |
| SOPHIE | What with? |
| ALISTAIR | Said he’d got a load of redundant police truncheons we could have… |
| (SPLUTTERS ROUND THE ROOM) | |
| And a pile of past-their-sell-by-date pepper sprays. Said they’d scare the pants off any invading army. | |
| (THE SPLUTTERS TURN TO LAUGHTER) | |
| It’s not funny! That’s not funny!! It’s an insult to Her Majesty’s armed forces in time of war. It’s practically treason! (PACES) Oh, I’m going to have that bastard’s balls. Grrrr! I’m going to… I’m going to… | |
| SOPHIE | Have a heart attack. |
| ALISTAIR | I can tell you this – if I ever get that frog’s fart onto a training ground, I’ll have him so knackered he won’t be able to lift a truncheon, let alone hit anyone with it. I’ll have him… |
| (THERE IS A KNOCK, AND KEVIN ENTERS, BREATHLESS) | |
| KEVIN | You wanted me? |
| ALISTAIR | Yes! Yes, Kevin! You’re the man! You can help the country in its hour of need. |
| KEVIN | Again? What is it this time? |
| ALISTAIR | Is it true the Russians are listening in on what we’re all saying? |
| KEVIN | We believe so. |
| ALISTAIR | In here? On the phones? |
| KEVIN | Yes. Of course the Americans are listening in on what the Russians are saying, MI6 are listening in on the Americans, MI5 are listening in on MI6, and each department is listening in on all the other departments. |
| ALISTAIR | We’re not listening to anyone. |
| KEVIN | No, but you’re probably the only one. Everyone else is listening to you. |
| ALISTAIR | Good God Almighty! How do you know all this? |
| (cont) |