Dialogue Extract (Birthday Suite)
by Robin Hawdon
| BOB | …I’m not… I mean, I don’t… I’m not used to this at all. |
| KATE | I’m not sure I believe you. |
| BOB | Why? |
| KATE | Well – the champagne… |
| BOB | Oh, that’s Geoff’s idea. |
| KATE | Ah. And the bed? |
| BOB | The bed? |
| KATE | Yes. |
| BOB | Er…what about it? |
| KATE | I didn’t expect that. |
| (Pause) | |
| BOB | You didn’t? |
| KATE | A bit obvious, don’t you think? |
| BOB | (staring at it) I suppose it is. |
| KATE | A bit unsubtle. |
| BOB | Unsubtle? Oh, I see! You’d rather do without the bed? |
| KATE | Well at this stage. |
| BOB | You must forgive me. I’m not up with all the modern trends. I’m a bit old-fashioned about these things. |
| KATE | Hardly seems that way to me. |
| BOB | True, I assure you. I’m a very staid, very ordinary, very unambitious man, who’s got involved in something a bit outside his scope. As a matter of fact I was about to skip off before you arrived. I didn’t think I could go through with it. |
| KATE | Really? |
| BOB | Yes. |
| KATE | That’s funny. So was I. |
| (Pause) | |
| BOB | So were you what? |
| KATE | About to skip off. |
| BOB | Why? |
| KATE | Same reason as you. |
| BOB | I don’t quite follow. |
| KATE | Well why were you nervous about it. |
| BOB | Because I’ve never done anything like this before. |
| KATE | Neither have I. |
| (Pause) | |
| BOB | I mean, it’s my first time. |
| KATE | It’s mine too. |
| (Pause. BOB bursts into relieved laughter.) | |
| BOB | I see! I didn’t understand! It’s your first time! |
| KATE | Yes. |
| BOB | I thought you were a bit odd. |
| KATE | Odd? |
| BOB | Yes. I couldn’t make you out at all. (Looking at her in a new light) Good heavens – your first time! |
| KATE | (annoyed) Well do I look as if I’m a regular at it? |
| BOB | No, you don’t. That’s what threw me. I naturally assumed you were, you see. (Going to the drinks) Have another drink. |
| KATE | Thank you. Vodka and tonic. |
| BOB | (as he pours) Your first time – Good Lord! |
| KATE | (awkward) Well, is it so surprising? Everyone has to start somewhere. |
| BOB | I suppose so. It hadn’t really occurred to me. (Bringing her drink) Tell me, why er… what, er… what made you go in for this sort of thing? |
| KATE | We all get lonely, don’t we? |
| BOB | Well, yes, but er – rather a drastic method, isn’t it? |
| KATE | Well, why have you done it? |
| BOB | Oh, dreams, fantasies – the frustrations of staid middle age. |
| KATE | Does it have to be a fantasy? |
| BOB | Well… |
| KATE | Don’t you think we might make a real relationship? |
| BOB | (with a sad laugh) What an idealist you are. I don’t imagine you’ll stay that way for long. |
| KATE | (angrily) Well for heaven’s sake, what do you suppose is the whole purpose of this exercise? Shake hands, have a quick drink, and then into bed? Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and then go our separate ways? Eh? |
| (Pause) | |
| BOB | Well… yes. |
| KATE | Well, thank you! |
| (Throws her drink in his face, and storms through to the other room, slamming the door.) |