Dialogue Extract A Night in Provence by Robin Hawdon
| FRED | Sorry – we’re not going to any hotel. It’s a villa holiday we booked, and we’re staying. |
| MAURICE | Then it seems there is only one thing to do. |
| FRED | What’s that? |
| MAURICE | We have to share. |
| JUDY | Share? |
| FRED | Share? |
| MAURICE | We share the house. It’s big. We can be separated. We can be private. We stay here together. |
| JUDY | But you don’t understand. We’re not the only… |
| FRED | (STOPPING HER) Shush! (TO MAURICE) How long you here for? |
| MAURICE | Two weeks, like you. |
| FRED | You mean we spend the whole holiday here together? |
| MAURICE | What else can we do? Either we fight a duel with the pistols, or we have to share. |
| FRED | Well, I dunno… |
| JUDY | Could be quite fun, Fred. |
| FRED | What about cooking and everything? |
| MAURICE | (SHRUGGING) Some nights you go to a restaurant, some nights we go. We take in turn. |
| FRED | What about the rent? |
| MAURICE | You pay half. |
| JUDY | That’d be fair. |
| FRED | I dunno. |
| MAURICE | Have you another idea? |
| FRED | Well… bit of a funny arrangement. |
| MAURICE | It’s called the Common Market. I know you British don’t like it, but maybe you can try. |
| FRED | What if we don’t get on? |
| MAURICE | You are always free to leave. |
| FRED | Yeh, thanks. |
| JUDY | I think it’s the best way, Fred. |
| MAURICE | It is the only way. |
| FRED | Well, all right, but… |
| JUDY | But Fred – you’ll have to say to them… I mean, what about…? (NODS TOWARDS THE SECOND BEDROOMS) |
| FRED | Yeh. Look, there’s something we should, er… |
| MAURICE | I know, the bedrooms. This is easy. We take the first bedroom here. You have all the other rooms over there. You have two bedrooms, you have your own bathroom, you have… |
| FRED | Oh no, no, no… |
| MAURICE | What? |
| FRED | That bedroom’s ours. We’ve already moved in. |
| YVETTE | (JUMPING IN) Ah, non! Zis bedroom is ours! |
| JUDY | No – it’s ours. Our cases are in there. |
| YVETTE | Non! Absolument non! |
| MAURICE | No, you see it’s our own personal bedroom, this. We have our clothes in the cupboard, we have all our things in the bathroom… |
| JUDY | Oh, Fred! |
| FRED | Well I’m sorry about that, but we’ve already picked that room. My wife’s set her heart on it, you see. I’m afraid that’s part of the deal. |
| YVETTE | Non! I must have my bedroom. It’s not fair! |
| MAURICE | Please. For the sake of the entente cordiale. |
| FRED | Listen, chum – you can stick the entente cordiale up your vive la France! We’ve given in on the bloody house – we at least get to choose bedrooms. |
| YVETTE | Non! Maurice! |
| MAURICE | (HOPELESSLY) Qu’est ce que je peux faire? |
| YVETTE | (LOSING HER COOL) You are terrible, you English! You are selfish, you are bad! You have no morals. I despise you! |
| FRED | Oh well, that’s a good start. I can see this is going to be a very friendly holiday. |
| YVETTE | Maurice! (SHE BURSTS INTO TEARS ON MAURICE’S SHOULDER) |
| JUDY | Oh gawd, Fred. Now look what you’ve done. |
| FRED | It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t me started hurling abuse. |
| JUDY | Well, we have sort of pinched their home, haven’t we? |
| FRED | You wanted that room! |
| JUDY | Well, I know, but… |
| FRED | Are you going to take their side now? Whose fault is it this all happened in the first place? |
| JUDY | Well, I can understand how she feels. We could perhaps give them their bedroom… |
| FRED | No! That’s not negotiable. I’m not listening to you-know-who at it all night long on the other side of the wall. |
| JUDY | (INDICATING THE OTHERS) Well they’ll have to, won’t they? |
| FRED | They’re used to it – they’re French. |
| JUDY | Fred! |
| FRED | They’ll be at it the same time themselves. They can all heave ho together. |
| MAURICE | What is this? |
| FRED | Never mind. |
| JUDY | (WHISPERING IN HIS EAR) You’ll have to tell them. |
| FRED | I will, I will. Let’s all calm down first. |
| MAURICE | Okay. We make a deal. You have the bedroom first week – we have it second. |
| YVETTE | Oh, Maurice… |
| MAURICE | Shh. |
| JUDY | That’s fair, Fred. |
| FRED | (GRUDGING) Well, all right. We dunno who’ll be in whose bedroom by then anyway – ha, ha? |
| JUDY | FRED! |
| FRED | Only joking. |
| YVETTE | This is affreux! The holiday is spoiled. |
| JUDY | (CONSOLING) Don’t worry, love. It’ll work out. It’ll be quite fun once we’ve all settled in. |
| YVETTE | Your husband is a pig! |
| FRED | Thanks. |
| JUDY | He’s quite nice really – once you get to know him. |
| YVETTE | Thank you, I don’t wish to know him. I don’t wish to be near him! |
| FRED | Pity. Wouldn’t mind being near myself. |
| JUDY | Fred! What’s the matter with you? |
| FRED | Well I’ve got as much chance with her as with you, haven’t I? |
| JUDY | (HISSING) Bloody hell, Fred! Just because I won’t strip off the moment we get in the door! Good job I didn’t, isn’t it? They’d have walked right in on us. |
| FRED | Yeh, well that would’ve started things off with a bang, wouldn’t it – ha, ha? Might have been a lot more fun that way. |
| JUDY |
You’re impossible sometimes. (TURNS TO THE OTHERS) Er… yes well, there is something else actually. |
| MAURICE | What? |
| JUDY | There’s something we haven’t told you. Fred? |
| FRED | What? |
| JUDY | Come on, Fred. You’ll have to tell them. |
| MAURICE | What? |
| YVETTE | What? |
| FRED | Yes, well… um…. it’s a bit awkward actually. |
| MAURICE | What? |
| YVETTE | What? |
| FRED | The thing is, you see… (PAUSE) |
| MAURICE | What? |
| FRED | We’ve got some other friends coming. |