Coup de Grace

Dialogue Extract



(THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. GRACE OPENS IT.  MONSIEUR BONIFACE ENTERS BREATHLESSLY – LARGE, POMPOUS, EFFUSIVE)
BONIF Madame!  I come instantly!
GRACE Monsieur Boniface.
BONIF I apologise that such a distinguished client has problems in my hotel!  What is the matter?
GRACE The matter is theft, attempted murder, assault, trespass, false impersonation, conspiracy to defraud, adultery, slander, and a few other things beside.
BONIF Ah mon dieu!  All zese things?
GRACE Well most of them.
BONIF Who are all zese peoples?
GRACE Suspects, all of them.
BONIF All?  Please explain.
GRACE To start at the beginning.  A couple of hours ago I ordered lunch here in my room.  Someone somehow poisoned my Caesar Salad, and I passed out.
BONIF Poisoned?
GRACE With peanuts.
BONIF Peanuts?
GRACE That’s what was used.  I know the symptoms.  Fortunately I wasn’t badly affected, and when I woke up all these people were around me, any one of whom could have done it.
HAILEY I wasn’t!
GRACE I’ve only your word for that, darling.
BONIF Who is she?
GRACE My husband’s bimbo.
HAILEY Don’t call me that!!
GRACE

HAILEY

Sorry.  My manager’s bimbo.

Ohh!
 
BONIF Who is your manager?
GRACE (pointing at OSCAR) Him.  When he’s not being my agent.
BONIF Eh?
GRACE And my occasional husband.
BONIF He is your husband?
GRACE Most of the time.
BONIF Eh?
GRACE (pointing at JIMMY) The rest of the time it’s him.  
  When he’s not being my lover.
BONIF Eh?
GRACE Supposedly.
BONIF (pointing at ADAM) And who is he?
OSCAR Her other lover.
BONIF Eh?
GRACE My leading man.
BONIF Also your lover?
GRACE According to my husband, who thinks everyone is my lover.
BONIF Eh?
GRACE When they’re not being my husband.
BONIF Eh, eh, eh??
GRACE So you see it’s quite complicated.
BONIF Too complicated for me.
GRACE Let me simplify, Mr Boniface.  He  (INDICATING JIMMY)  found me unconscious and assumed I was dead, and he  (ADAM)  found him and me and assumed he was my husband who had murdered me, and he  (OSCAR)  found him and him and me and assumed he was my lover who had come to rescue me from him, and she  (HAILEY)  found everybody and assumed nothing at all because she’s a brainless bimbo!
HAILEY Ohhhh!!
BONIF I think I need to sit down.